Courageous or stupid?
YOU ARE INVITED TO SUBMIT JOKES
(no profanity please)
E-mail your jokes to us:
vomkatzenblut@aol.com
Crow and Cat >
http://www.slide.com/r/hD6DvyAOxD9ClUhvUpVcUMABW9QzpGnQ
Dear Dogs And Cats
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door -
nose height.> > Dear Dogs and Cats,> > The dishes
with the paw print are yours and contain your food.>
The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
Please note, placing a paw > print in the middle of
my plate and food does not stake a claim for it >
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in > the slightest.> > The
stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack.> Beating me to the bottom is not the
object. Tripping me doesn't help because > I fall
faster than you can run.> > I cannot buy anything
bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the
couch to ensure your > comfort. Dogs and cats can
actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is >
not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other
stretched out to the > fullest extent possible. I
also know that sticking tails straight out and >
having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize
space is nothing but > sarcasm.> > For the last
time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom.
If by some > miracle I beat you there and manage to
get the door shut, it is not > necessary to claw,
whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under > the edge and try to pull the door open. I
must exit through the same door I > entered. Also, I
have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or
feline > attendance is not required.> > The proper
order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or
cat's butt. I > cannot stress this enough!> > > To
pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the
following message on our > front door:> > To All
Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About
Our Pets:> > 1. They live here. You don't.> 2. If
you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off
the furniture. > (That's why they call it
"furniture.)> 3. I like my pets a lot better than I
like most people.> 4. To you, it's an animal. To me,
he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is > short,
hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak
clearly.> > Remember: In many ways, dogs and cats
are better than kids because they:> 1. Eat less> 2.
Don't ask for money all the time> 3 Are easier to
train> 4. Normally come when called> 5. Never ask to
drive the car> 6. Don't hang out with drug-using
friends> 7. Don't smoke or drink> 8. Don't have to
buy the latest fashions> 9. Don't want to wear your
clothes> 10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for
college.> And finally,> 11. If they get pregnant,
> you can sell their children.> >
HOW TO PREPARE FOR A NEW PUPPY...
1.Pour cold apple juice on the carpet in several places and walk around
barefoot in the dark.
2.Wear a sock to work that has had the toes shredded by a blender.
3.Immediately upon waking, stand outside in the rain and dark saying, "Be a good
puppy, go potty now
- hurry up - come on lets go!"
4.Cover all your best suits with dog hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and
light suits must use dark hair. Also float some hair in your first cup of coffee
in the morning.
5.Play "catch" with a wet tennis ball.
6.Run out in the snow in your bare feet to close the gate.
7.Tip over a basket of clean laundry, scatter clothing all over the floor.
8.Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the dog
will drag it anyway.(Especially if you have company).
9.Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program and
run to the door shouting, "No No! Do that OUTSIDE!" Miss the end of the program.
10.Put chocolate pudding on the carpet in the morning, and don't even try to
clean it up until you return from work that evening.
11.Gouge the leg of the dinning room table several times with a screwdriver-it's
going to get chewed on anyway.
12.Take a warm and cuddly blanket out of the dryer and immediately wrap it
around yourself. This is the feeling you will get when your puppy falls asleep
on your lap.
Blonde Joke
A girl was visiting her blond friend who had acquired
two new dogs,
and
asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded
by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said,
"Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HelOOooo," answered
the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
DOG LETTERS TO GOD
Dogs, like everyone else, have a few important questions to ask.
And just like letters to Santa Claus, we have a few examples of the kinds of
letters
God receives from the four legged variety. We're sure God answers every one, in
His own way.
Dear God,
How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?
Where are their priorities?
Dear God,
When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it the same old story?
Dear God,
Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog?
How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know
every breed cannot have its own model, but it would be easy to rename the
Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle!
Dear God,
If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a
bad dog?
Dear God,
When my foster mom's friend comes over to our house, he smells like musk! What's
he been rolling around in?
Dear God,
Is it true that in Heaven, dining room tables have on-ramps?
Dear God,
If we come back as humans, is that good or bad?
Dear God,
More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.
Dear God,
When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in?
Dear God,
We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns,
clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight
paths. What do humans understand?
Dear God,
Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the
moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Dobie across the
street.
Dear God,
Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?
Dear God,
Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our
minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again?
Dear God,
When my family eats dinner they always bless their food. But they never bless
mine. So, I've been wagging my tail extra fast when they fill my bowl. Have you
noticed my own blessing?
Dear God,
I've always lived at the shelter and I have everything I need. But many of the
cats here have names and I don't. Could you give me a name please? It would be
good for my self-esteem.
Dear God,
Being a German Shepherd is kind of scary! People think I am mean and all I want
to do is lick their face???
Dear God,
The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling
my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog. Since
they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? Does PetsMart
sell lie detectors?
Dear God,
Please don't let my masters give me to a new home. I like this one!!
Things a dog MUST remember
These are SOOOOOOOO true!!!!!
I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.
I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the > coffee table.
I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.
I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.
I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.
I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the > house when I am about to throw up.
I will not throw up in the car.
I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc.
I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.
"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.
I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard > after processing.
The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.
I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people > will think I am hemorrhaging.
When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when > it's raining outside.
We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the back yard with > it.
The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.
My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's > license and car registration.
BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing‑eye dog one day.
They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic
zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of the traffic.
This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his
amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your
dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out
where his head is, so I can kick his ass."
DOGAHOLIC ANONYMOUS MEETING
....... start by saying, "Good evening, my name is ____ and I am a dogaholic."
I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Dogaholics
Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you
here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are ok and that you really don't
need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even
harder to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you.
I have some questions to ask, if you answer YES to more than three of the
following, you have come to the
right place.
- Can you say "bitch" in public without blushing?
- Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4 when everyone else drives a real car?
- Do you have more than one car? One for you and one for the dogs?
- Do you spend your vacation and holidays going to shows, specialties and
seminars when everyone else
goes on a cruise?
- If you go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
- Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave
in disgust?
- Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
- Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
- Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
- Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
- Do you know the meaning of CD, CDX, UD, CGC, HIC, WC, JH, MH, CH and OTCH?
- Is your mail made up of primarily dog catalogs, dog magazines and premium
lists?
- Do you get up before dawn to go to training classes? Dog shows? Seminars?
- If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets?
- Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, rollover or squeaky toys?
- When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have
and pity them if they
don't have one?
- Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember their name?
- Do you find non dog people boring?
- Do you subscribe to an internet dog mailing list?????
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn
to the person next to you
and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs
and it will never be boring!
BRUSHING THE DOG’S TEETH
A father finds his four year old daughter outside brushing
their dog's teeth using his toothbrush.
Dad asks, "What are you doing with my toothbrush?"
The daughter replies, "I'm brushing his teeth. But don't
worry dad, I'll rinse it out when I'm done just like I
always do."
WHAT DO DOGS KNOW THAT HUMANS DON'T?
An exciting thought popped into my head today,
While I sat watching two young puppies at play.
How much we could learn if we only would look
At these creatures who have never read a book.
Jealousy, hatred, gossip and greed
Are rarely found in dogs, no matter the breed.
What do they know that we do not?
Obviously, though they're not telling, quite a lot.
Of course, two pups may squabble over a bone.
But soon you will find it left all alone,
While the former combatants snuggle close, sound asleep.
Secure in the knowledge that their treasure will keep.
Warmth and closeness mean so much more to them,
Even though the battle will probably begin again.
It is more playful than serious, this game of tug
And will end again with them both asleep, close on the rug
When two humans decide they want the same thing,
Whatever the object, they both will cling Grimly determined that each is right,
No matter how long, they continue to fight.
Let's look at those puppies, asleep at our feet.
Has either lost that treasure he tried so hard to keep?
Not really, as it lays just a few feet away
Not a treasure trove, just an object of play.
And the two little creatures? Are they content?
Completely and totally because their little souls are bent
Upon keeping this friend who plays this game with them,
And is still willing to snuggle again and again.
If only we could learn the great lesson here
Things are not precious, friendships are dear.
What good will this thing do us, this precious bone,
If we find ourselves left completely alone?
The next time I find myself wanting to fight,
I'll remember those puppies and, with all of my might,
I will try to give it up with a shrug
And hope to end up sound asleep, close on the rug.
LIFE LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG
1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is
effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're
dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.
WHY DOGS CAN'T USE COMPUTERS...
#10. He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.
#9. SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.
#8. Saliva-coated floppy disks refuse to work.
#7. Three words: carpal paw syndrome.
#6. Involuntary tail wagging is a dead giveaway that he's browsing
www.purina.com instead of working.
#5. The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.
#4. He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail".
#3. It's too messy to "mark" every Web site he visits.
#2. The FETCH command isn't available on all platforms.
#1. He can't stick his head out of Windows 98.
DOG HAIKU
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You will ever be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds -- I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man -- come to kill us all
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
How do I love thee?
The ways are as numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack!
Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack! Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot -- no greater bliss -- well,
Maybe catching rats
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much as I do.
Dedefedggbabcabc
The cat is not all
Bad --she fills the litter box
With tootsie rolls.
Dig under the fence--why?
Because it is there. Because it's
There. Because it's there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
THE CREATION OF THE DOG
On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse)
to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good
of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not
retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the
man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.
FIRST TIME DOG SHOWING
First time at a dog show,
I'll tell you quite plain,
I'll never, no never,
go back again.
The breeder said, "Show him",
when I bought my dog.
I showed him alright,
the whole place was agog.
They gave me a number,
they gave me a pin,
But I couldn't bear
to stick the thing in.
So I rushed to the shop
and bought some clear glue,
And stuck the card
onto his rear in the loo.
We arrived at the ringside
to find we were first,
in the pup class (this was the worst).
We marched together
as fast as was able,
Arrived at the judge
who said, "Up on the table".
This really surprised me,
my skirt was quite tight,
And I just couldn't make it,
try hard as I might.
The judge looked quite worried.
He said, "Listen here,
Put the dog on the table,
not you, my dear".
By now I was trembling,
I felt such a fool,
But I said to myself,
"We'll just play it cool".
"How old", said the judge,
I heard it quite clear,
Well, really, thought
. . . and said, "Thirty, next year".
The steward, poor fellow,
threw a kind of fit,
He spluttered and coughed,
his eyes ran a bit.
" I'd have that cough seen to,"
I said to him when,
He'd finally stopped . . .
but started again.
"Once around the ring, dear,
as fast as you can,"
Said the judge,
so I just ran and ran.
But when I arrived
(out of breath, I'll admit),
The judge said,
"Your dog, dear",
I felt such a twit.
Off round again,
I kept my head bent.
Oh, the shame: my pup crouched
and just went and went.
A lady came running,
a bucket and spade,
With manure that spicy . . .
has she got it made!
We came back to the judge,
who said with a frown,
"Stand your dog".
Said I, "He's not laying down".
"You can take First Place Stand",
he said. I said, "HA".
What a job I had getting
that stand in the car!
Taken from STC England 1993 Year Book
HOW DOGS AND WOMEN ARE ALIKE:
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have "hip" problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Both put too much value on kissing.
HOW WOMEN ARE BETTER THAN DOGS:
It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.
Women look good in sweaters.
Women leave the room to fart.
Though they only have two, women's breasts are far more interesting.
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN:
Dogs don't cry (unless they have to pee).
Dogs love it when your friends come over.
Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
Dogs think you sing great.
A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you
Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
Dogs are excited by rough play.
Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
Dogs understand that farts are funny.
Dogs love red meat.
Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
Dogs don't shop.
Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
A dog's parents never visit.
Dogs love long car trips.
Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.
Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted.
When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it.
Dogs like beer.
Dogs don't hate their bodies.
No dog ever bought a Kenny G or Hootie & the Blowfish album.
No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood.
Dogs never criticize.
Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
Dogs never expect gifts.
It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.
Dogs don't worry about germs.
Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you ever had.
Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and
the back of your sock drawer.
Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one.
You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.
Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry.
Dogs don't borrow your shirts.
Dogs never want foot-rubs.
Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.
Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
Dogs can't talk.
Dogs aren't catty.
Dogs seldom outlive you.
THE COST OF A FREE DOG
A friend gives you a dog...
And, what a deal, the tack to go with it
You build a small kennel...$750
You fence in an elimination pit...$450
Buy a new van...$22,000
Finance entries... $1,000
Hire a handler... $12,000
Purchase a used RV...$28,000
Purchase a companion dog...$1,000
Medical bills....$2,000
Build larger shelter with storage...$2,000
More kennels...$1,200
Have a litter $7,500
Raise puppies that don't sell $18,000
Purchase new house with addl acreage...$300,000
Purchase tractor...$2,000
Purchase bigger tractor...$12,000
Buy another dog...$1,000
Have another litter...$2,000
More medical bills..$3,000
Hire live-in help...$40,000
Build house for help...$84,000
Buy another motor home for shows...$225,000
Hire attorney ? spouse leaving you for trainer...$5,000
Declare bankruptcy, spouse got everything.
Friend feels sorry for you... and gives you a dog.....
THE AMERICAN DOG
Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the
other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd,"
her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as
the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they
both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too
pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns
hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior
was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the
other nun and whispered cautiously, "What part did you get?"
IF A DOG WERE YOUR TEACHER
You would learn stuff like.....
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest -- practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps and stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...
run right back and make friends.
Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal.
Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them
gently.
We should be so lucky! Woof, Woof.
